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Jokes I Have Told

November 24, 2013

These are all jokes I have told at my Toastmasters meetings.  I don’t know the origin of any of them, but I’m sure that I must have heard or seen them someplace.  I also modified them to suit the audience.

  • There were three professors who were shipwrecked on a desert island.  There was a chemist, a physicist, and an economist.  They had managed to salvage a can of beans from the wreck, and were sitting together on the beach trying to figure out how to open the can.  First the chemist spoke up.  “I know”, he said.  “We can use the lens from my spectacles to focus the sun’s rays on this piece of driftwood to start a fire.”  “Then we can heat the can of beans over the fire.” “With my knowledge of chemistry, I can predict the exact temperature at which the can will explode.”  Up jumped the physicist.  “With my knowledge of physics, I can predict the exact trajectory of the beans as they fly through the air.”  Then the economist spoke: “Gentlemen, gentlemen, I have the solution.”  “Let us assume we have a can opener.”
  • This is something that’s very important for all of us to know when we are out in the country:  How to identify bears.  If you should encounter a bear, the first thing to do is to sneak up carefully on the bear and give it a swift kick in the behind.  Then you should run away as fast as you can can climb a tree.  If the bear chases after you, climbs the tree after you, and eats you, it’s a black bear.  If the bear shakes the tree until you fall out and then eats you, it’s a grizzly bear.  If you look all over the place and don’t see a tree in sight, it’s a polar bear.
  • A chicken walked into a library.  It went up to the desk and said to the librarian “book, book, book”.  The librarian handed it a book.  The chicken hopped out the door and disappeared.  The next day, the chicken was back.  Again it said “book, book, book”,  Again the librarian gave it a book.  Again the chicken hopped out the door and disappeared.  The next day after that, though, the librarian decided to investigate.  After they gave the chicken a book, they decided to follow it to see what was going on.  The chicken hopped down the street with the book under its wing right to the edge of town.  It kept going up to the edge of a pond.  It threw the book into the water.  A few minutes later, a frog came up to the surface and said “read it, read it, read it”.

When I started telling jokes at Toastmasters, I was convinced that I couldn’t tell jokes.  They were a friendly supportive audience, but I expected to fail.  My father could tell jokes, but I didn’t have his talent.  I was amazed when people laughed at my jokes.  The more they laughed, the better I got at telling them.  Pretty soon I realized that I could tell jokes.  I did have the talent for it, after all.  Now I sit back and listen during the humour section.  I let other people tell jokes.  I let them go through the same experience I went through.

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